Challenges of Single Parenting

Disclaimer: this very post is not meant to support the crime but rather throw in my two cent on what could be the nitty-gritty behind her act and how it could have been managed.

In the past weeks, the story of a 22-year old girl who drowned her child in a drum of water blazed the media. The content shared showed that she wasn’t remorseful as she said she linked her actions to 3 reasons. First, lack of financial might to take care of her. Second, she was tired and frustrated and lastly, her most painful reason was that the baby deprived her of actualizing her dream of becoming a lawyer.

There is this clandestine pain in my heart. I’m sure you would be curious to know this is all about…

Well I feel for both mother and late child, maybe because I can relate with those pain as a single mom. I guess God’s grace kept me a little away from a state of committing murder or going the extreme. I tried not to get to the state of feeling frustrated and tired. Although people around tried to get me to that state ranging from their words and actions.

Most women feel overwhelmed with the mother title, including those living with the support of their spouse. For a single mum, it’s even more challenging for obvious reason.

For me after child birth, it took me almost 4 years to bounce back and face life. In those years before my bounce, I felt a little less than me (although it wasn’t obvious as I had to develop an ‘inner pride’ which shielded me in public). I never will utter any words in public for fear of being chastised or rejected. Social media wasn’t even helpful. I remember going online and seeing my classmate or friends doing well, at least from what they show off on social media, I just couldn’t fit in there… Lol

The financial burdens were terrible especially with school fees when he grew older. At a younger age it was feeding and clothing that was a big deal. What I did differently was I learnt to take pride in the future only I could see while facing the now, otherwise I could have gone the extreme too.

I do this till date.  I speak into my now what my future will be and I’m certain it will be better because it would bless a whole lot of people…

Ok enough of me. Let us dive into the young mother’s case, what went wrong? Why did she take to the extreme? How did she get to that point of using her own bare hands to kill her daughter?

This and more we will be discussing today.

There are of course, a whole lots of issues or factors: disappointment, frustration, postpartum depression and lack of hope which eventually broke the camel's back. She honestly needs help – counseling and therapy even if she will be behind bars.

 I think her problem started even before she had the baby, because she wanted to abort the baby.    It’s a buildup from one level of depression to another because of the absence of hope in each of these phases.

I think she's a girl who never had an identity of her own because of her background. She hadn’t experienced true love in the sense of it and therefore went in search of her identity, acceptance, love, in the wrong place.

 Thinking about her sister and her part in all of this. The people taking care of depressed family members need to be aware of what depression looks like and what to do to provide the right intervention.

 She was the closest to her from the story, she witnessed her desire to terminate the pregnancy, she witnessed her desire to take the life of the baby, there ought to have been something she could have done to change the narrative given her level of understanding? But in Africa especially in Nigeria, people don’t pay attention to details or early signs. Some just scold and shun you especially when they think you are saying rubbish.

They could have made arrangements for the baby to be taken to her parents or someone to just preserve the life of the innocent child. But on a second thought, who really wants to bear your burden except of course God intervenes. I see another case of failed parenting or a failed system or both?

The act of committing suicide or murder is not so much of what happened or so much of what happens to people but more of internal representation. Nothing really has any meaning in life except the meaning you give it. What was missing was the connection to her source – God and of course the right people

I feel her actions or should I say reactions were based on her postpartum development, which I think wasn’t complete and properly managed. Aside this, there are several challenges attached to being a single mum, especially one out of wedlock which I’ll get to in a bit but for now, What is postpartum depression?

This is a state which a woman feels depressed after her child has been born. Postpartum depression (PPD) is a complex mix of physical, emotional, and behavioral changes that happen in a woman after giving birth.

At this state is when a mother abandons her newly born child and several other actions.

According to research Symptoms of Postpartum Depression include difficulty sleeping, appetite changes, excessive fatigue, decreased libido, and frequent mood changes. Although symptoms associated to major depression could be related to PPD, which are not normal after childbirth, and may include depressed mood; loss of pleasure; feelings of worthlessness, hopelessness, and helplessness; thoughts of death or suicide or thoughts or hurting someone else.

If you are around a single mom with this sign, please proffer a solution. PPD  usually begins within 3 months after child birth, according to a 2014 review of clinical Studies. According to the authors, it can remain a long term problem for some women if not properly managed with the right treatment and care.

In my case, one thing I remembered vividly was I felt hurt and felt God wasn’t fair. If you listened to her interview you would have heard these exact words too from her. Amazing a lot of single moms say this same words in their quiet time too. I also withdrew from people who constantly drew me down with their word. I became an extreme introvert overnight.

My findings also showed that a lot of factors are attached to this but one I would lay emphasis on is age at time of pregnancy -- the younger you are, the higher the risk. Which means the younger she is the more care and support she needs?

Because of my experience in this field, I could relate with her pain. Although in Africa where we stay, it’s easy to have weird actions blamed on spirituality or witchcraft.

For women who are married, postpartum depression is something some of them deal with but with the care of their spouses and parents they come out of it. So how much more a single parent. But the society really doesn’t care because they feel you brought it upon yourself and for whatever reason one must remain strong, in pains. They forget single parenting in most case is never premeditated. No one chooses to be one, it’s a thing of fate. While I’m here saying this, I just realized the society is changing as a lot of people assume this role deliberately with a funky title of being called someone’s “baby mama”. It amazes me to see how women jump at this offer with an open or should I say blindfolded eye for fame, money or other reasons.

It simple goes a long way to say, the place of God in our society can’t be overemphasized. I’m really not doing a sermon on this. In fact, who made me a judge over any one’s action? NOBODY.

Let me swing into the second part of this post.

Permit me to say, before you choose to assume the title of single motherhood or work in the path that results in pregnancy you aren’t prepared for, check these challenges and think twice in your choices as the difficulties of single parenting can plague an individual, sapping them of their energy, confidence, and happiness as we can see in our subject matter.

Challenges of single parenting, especially being a single mother, are overwhelming, and it requires a single parent to combine the roles of two people with raising the children and running the house.

At this point my heart goes out to those who have assumed this role from the loss of a loved one. This three - death, divorce, and separation rob parents of the joys of companionship and sharing of responsibilities.

Here are a few single parenting issues and struggles (that could enlighten you more on why the 22 years old lady murdered her daughter) along with some single parenting tips solutions to single parents and advice to the teens and singles.

•     Society issues: 
  

The society is the #1 problem of single parents. You really don’t want to get tangled in this web only to have the society call you name and reduce your self- confidence. 

The society has placed a lot of red🚩flag on this category of persons.

Even with the loss of a loved one, you are being accused of being the witch who caused the death. And in many cases the woman is left to carry the burden of training the kids alone. This is typical in African setting, Nigeria precisely.

The Stigmatization is high. The thinking of a lot people is single mums are usually the promiscuous. Society expects that you remain hidden from the world. This in most cases leaves the women at the edge of depression.

My first hand expression was from friends, family and even church. If I go into this it’s going to be a long gist, may be some other time we do that.

But for now be a support not the cause for someone deadly actions.

• Loneliness

Another challenge of single parenthood is that there is no one to offer a shoulder to lean on. There is a part that your partner solely plays in your life – Emotional fulfillment.

So many women in this state suffer emotional imbalance. Some people get scared that they won’t get a suitable partner. This longing leads a lot into Sexual pleasures against God’s original plan. In short a lot of people take this path most times from fear of not getting a suitable partner while others aren’t ready for another family commitment to another man after the loss of a loved one. This is gradually eating deep in our society.

 As this act is becoming a norm with this category of people with no feeling of fear or remorse.

Phew!!!

Sadly, the opposite sex is aware of this feeling so when they come around, they usually come with the intent of taking advantage of the problem.

 This reminds me of my experience with a man I refused any sexual commitment with and he said “and you are not a virgin what’s the ‘shakara’ for”.

Gosh!!!

This is not new, I hear it often but it only gets me wondering the breed of men –husband, fathers etc. we have in this generation.

•  Loss of confidence/ Low self esteem    
  

This is a major challenge with single moms. This for me is the father to several of the challenges single parents face.  Bearing the brunt of harsh societal judgment is a big deal for any human talk less of a single parent.

Society sometimes judges single parents with their mouth instead of giving them the right support at this time.

Negative family members and friends give them a hard time to cope with the situation making them have self-doubt and low confidence as single parents.

One of the solutions to single parenting is not to let single parenting erode your self-confidence. Engage in activities that will help you regain your lost sense of self-worth.

I recently did an article on this solutions, see link here  https://talkwithidia.blogspot.com/2020/05/building-your-confidence-as-single-mom.html)

•          Instilling discipline in children 
  

For homes headed by both parent. The weakness of one is hidden by the strength of the other. Even at that they will say it’s not easy raising the kids and instilling discipline, so how much more single parents.

Single parenting is full of challenges. A partner with children may find it difficult to instill discipline. Some of the children, because of the emotional stress, engage in truant activities as a gesture to get the attention.

Being a single mother can leave you wondering how to navigate the unknown avenues of single parenting. One of the problems faced by single mothers is a lack of discipline.

Such struggles of being a single parent often deplete the parent of all energy to pursue their own interests.

Children may also give a solo parent an emotionally tough time, especially when they realize that you do not communicate with your partner.

They give you parallel information. This is if both parents still communicate with the child for their own selfish interests. You need to brace yourself for these single-parent issues and not let single parent stress crush your spirit.

•      Financial responsibility.  
  

The unending financial responsibility is the most frustrating of challenges for single parents.

In a close family unit, each partner has a financial role in meeting monetary obligations which makes life less stressful.

The extra financial burden limits your time with them; children left on their own with no proper guidance may develop defiant behavior, which inhibits disciplinary measures from a single parent.

•      A sense of guilt
  
  
  
  
  

It is common for single parents to go on a guilt trip after a bitter heartbreak, child bearing/rearing or divorce experience. Single parenting poses several questions in the mind of parents single-handedly raising a child.

Where did I get it wrong? What if I was more patient and wise? What if I listened to people’s advice? How will the children judge me when they grow old? How come I have lost friends after the separation? And many more...

These unanswered questions of single parenting rob your innocence and only add to the difficulties of single parenting.

Solutions for single parents (moms):

Dear single moms,

 Please grow From SEL-esteem to GOD- esteem. You can never go wrong by doing that. Don’t depend on the society or people to help build your esteem. The book From Self-esteem to God-esteem by Damilola Busary  – you’ll understand what I mean.

Replace negative thoughts in your mind with positive thinking to give you room to find yourself for the benefit of the children.

Redirect your energy to more productive activities. If you are in custody of the children, then spend time with them; remember, they look up to you for their emotional needs.

Surround yourself with people who believe in you and understand your predicament without any judgment. Single parenting can be daunting. Engage in activities that build your confidence and get rid of self-doubt.

You are now on your own; you have to spend more hours at work to meet all your financial needs.

If you have children, sit down with them, and agree on how to cut on some of the luxuries so that you do not strain too much on trying to maintain the lifestyle at the expense of spending time with them-they need your presence at this trying time.

The faster you accept your situation as a single parent and adjust, the better it is for you and the children.

Being a single parent comes with its trials and triumphs. Single parenting doesn’t need to be a tumultuous experience. With persistent efforts and steely resolve, you can surely turn single parenting into a smooth sail.

For me because of the financial implications, I have to work extra hard and while at it, I teach my kids Godly values in my free time and back it up with prayers. One of such prayers, I say to God, “I am like a caretaker for this kids, they are yours, let your spirit direct them on what is right.” God is ever faithful because it has worked and he is still working.

Trying to look at your fault and self-blame is not healthy for single parents. Accept the situation and be confident you made the right decision so as to look at the positive angle of the situation to forge ahead.

Dear teens and singles abstinence still remains the GOLDEN RULE. That is the surest protection you can have. I wish I knew something better than that, I would have shared with you. I owe you guys a post because I don’t want you added to this list. 

The pains are much more than the gains except that of course some few of us believe we can do all things through Christ that strengthens us so we keep pushing

Let me drop my pen here. 

Enough for today.

 Less I forget please don’t forget, if you need to speak with someone, our doors are opened. Send a mail at letstalkidia@gmail.com or drop your comments or topics you would love to have us speak on and be sure to get our reply.